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Dear Leah, Look. I’m going to be real with you. I don’t care about your stain. Even when I scrape the very depths of my soul, I can’t seem to summon a single shit to give about it. I’m sorry. But the fact is, my own sofa is covered in stains, all of them at my own making. What can I say? I’m disgusting. I’ve made my peace with it. Brene Brown and I call it radical self acceptance. BUT I’m going to go out on a limb and venture that if you wanted advice on stains, you’d be writing to Laundry Em and not me. (Em, can you start a newsletter? Please and thank you.) And since you instead chose to write to me, I’m going to address the much more interesting elephant in the room. Your in-laws are fully-fledged bonafide card-carrying psychopaths. Not even joking. Let’s go over the chain of events, shall we? Your in-laws purchased a sausage roll. They drove, or walked home from the store, carrying it in a paper bag. Upon returning home, they put the sausage roll down and allowed it to sit on the sofa long enough to cause a grease stain. At no time, during the above period of time, DID THEY EAT THE SAUSAGE ROLL. Not to be dramatic or anything, but if it was me, I would have called the police the moment I saw it sitting there. No, wait, I lie. I would have eaten the sausage roll, then called the police. Because what kind of people don’t eat a sausage roll the moment they buy it? I’ll tell you what kind. The kind who make small talk at the post office as a body rots in the boot of their Honda Accord. Look, if I was being generous, I’d allow for the fact that a) the sausage roll wasn’t very good, or b) they were vegetarians. But we all know that even bad sausage rolls are good and even vegetarians could have eaten the pastry. (And if they are vegan, I defer to my above comment. Psychopaths. Who buys a sausage roll with no intention of eating it?!) In conclusion (if you are still alive to read this message) I suggest that you haul ass to the local cop shop to make a full statement about the sausage roll incident before immediately checking yourself into witness protection. Or, if you’d prefer to throw caution to the wind, you could do as one of my followers suggested and simply wipe down the rest of the couch with another sausage roll until it matches the stain. Sally
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