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Ooooh, talk about juicy. Ok, we have a lot to unpack here, but first I feel like I should disclose the following: 1) My family of origin (myself included) are largely uninterested in birthdays. I mean … Mum always calls us - and Dad usually shouts Happy Birthday from the background - and my brothers and I send each other cheery balloon emojis on the family WhatsApp. We might even do a whip-around for cash if it’s a special birthday, but in general, birthdays are a low-key affair. No one is prickly if someone forgets, just delighted if they remember. I remember one year, one of my brothers sent me flowers on my birthday out of the blue with a note saying “this is to make up for all the birthdays I’ve forgotten and will forget in the future.” I lolled. I should add that we are much better about remembering the birthdays of the nieces and nephews. Christmas is different because we are usually together so we tend to remember. 2) I’m not a fan of cards. Overpriced pieces of cardboard with pre-written sentimental words are not my jam. I actually refuse to buy them, and force my kids to make homemade cards instead. I tell people it’s because homemade cards are cuter, but it’s actually a silent protest. The only time I do buy cards is when I need to post something because there is no denying that a card is a handy vessel to send birthday cash inside of (just ask my Great Aunty Gwen, who sent birthday cards with $2 coins sticky taped inside until she died. I loved those cards and the $2 coins were extremely useful for parking so if anyone would like to take over the gesture that would be great). Anyhoo. Against this background, it’s fair to say that if one of my parents forgot my birthday or Christmas, I would not send them a card (since I don’t do it currently). Also, if they did forget, the most likely scenario is that I wouldn’t notice that they forgot, or if I did notice I’d hop on the family chat around 4pm and say “No birthday / Christmas call, Mum? Controversial.” And the chat would blow up with hilarity, with my brothers chiming in that she remembered their birthdays (of course she did, they are twins so it is easier FFS) so she must love them more, and so on. Frankly I couldn’t think of anything more delightful to happen on my birthday. But. This is about YOU. There are a few things that are a little unclear so my advice is going to be vague and littered with assumptions. My first assumption is that you’re an only child. I don’t know why. Something about your message is sending only child vibes. Also, if you are an only child this feels more hurtful than if you were one of eight - then you could hardly expect your parents to remember. One of you would be having a birthday practically every day! (Side note: if I was the mother of eight children, I would give all my kids one birthday and celebrate once a year. Suffice to say there would be no cards.) My second assumption is that you are not estranged, because in that instance you wouldn’t expect your birthday acknowledged. With this in mind, if the absence of acknowledging your birthday and Christmas was a first, I’d assume it was an oversight or that perhaps my parents were in the early stages of dementia. In this instance, I’d call them and demand to know what was going on. And maybe make sure their Will was in good order (ie I was getting everything). If I believed it was a deliberate slight, I would most certainly get them cards, and maybe even a thoughtful gift, because I would want to make them feel small. Making people feel small by being magnanimous is my favourite thing. I might even stick some $2 coins inside, Great-Aunty-Gwen style. If my parents continued not to acknowledge these days despite my continued cards, and didn’t exhibit any signs of dementia, I’d start some new traditions to celebrate these days. Something like driving past their house and throwing eggs, or cutting their faces out of family photos and replacing them with pictures of Shrek and Fiona. Final suggestion: several people reached out to me last month to bemoan the fact that I didn’t offer the option of murder as a solution to the monthly conundrum. At this point in our relationship, I had assumed that the murder option was always a given, but as it doesn’t seem that way, let me spell it out. Murdering your parents is a valid, exciting option in this instance. That said, to keep things interesting, I’d suggest murdering only one of them. That way, you could send the surviving parent a card, offering your sincerest condolences. I love a fitting ending, don’t you? Sally x
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