Dear Sally,

Here is my dilemma. 

I have recently started seeing a new guy. I really like this guy and after years of being in a bad relationship, I am really excited about it.

The problem is that his dad is a prick. Almost every time we have a meal at his parents’ house, his Dad will make a crude joke, about women, about immigrants … something. The first time I went there, he said something about a woman’s place being in the kitchen, but I was too shocked to respond. The second time, it was something about “the gays.”  My boyfriend tells him to “lay off” or “shut up,” but he doesn’t listen and his comments really bother me.

I am no good at confrontation, as I often get hot and bothered and sometimes start to cry. Also, I rarely have the facts and figures at my disposal to be able to argue confidently. Beyond that, part of me thinks it’s not worth it because he’s not going to change. But can I just stand by and let him say these things, week after week for the rest of my life?

What do I do?

Dear Reader,

What a lovely dilemma to start with. Lovely, because the answer is easy.

Next time he makes this sort of comment, here’s what you need to do. Grab the dinner table by the edges, tip it onto its side and allow the plates to collide and slide to the floor with an almighty crash. Then point your finger in his face and tell him that if he ever says anything like this in your presence again, he’ll never see his son again.

Oh wait. You said you weren’t into confrontation, right? (Sorry, I skipped over that part because as a self-righteous perimenopausal woman, the table tipping / finger pointing scenario is something I have hot flushes about.)

Never fear, I have another option.

Here’s the good news:

You don’t have to argue with him.

You don’t have to be entirely informed about the subject, be a clever arguer, or be assertive. (The truth is, arguing is where a lot of well-intentioned people go wrong.)

The truth is, the fastest way to extinguish a comment that is not funny, inaccurate, racist or rude is to ask questions. Make the person explain it, preferably in front of a group. Channel Louis Theroux. Act curious. Innocently ask questions (‘What did you say?’ ‘What do you mean?’) and don’t let it go until they have explained what they mean. Then parrot back their explanation to them. The person will quickly start to feel silly and realise that you are not a person they can say these things in front of.

Here is an example of how this might work:

Awful sexist dad: “Laundry? That’s a woman’s job.” Gross laugh. 

You: “What did you say?” (innocently. Like you didn’t hear.) 

Awful sexist dad: (Gross laugh fading a little because he just wanted an easy laugh): “Laundry is a woman’s job.”

You: “You think laundry is a woman’s job? Why?” (Curious, not angry. You are looking at him as if he may shed some important light on this for you. As if laundry, like childbirth, is something that can only be done by a woman.)

Here’s the fun part. Now sexist dad either has to explain that it is a woman’s job because he is a sexist asshole …  or he can change the subject.  The lucky third option is that he will make a snide comment about how you can’t take a joke (at which point you can ask him to clarify the joke part of the comment). Eventually you can stop asking questions and move on. It might not feel like you’ve won, because he will probably try and claw back some dignity by digging his heels in. Either way, you’ve taught him you are not a safe space for intolerant comments. And you haven’t even had to raise your voice.

Sally x

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I’m heading off on my US tour today! You better believe I’m excited to sit and watch back-to-back movies on an international flight, just like the good old pre-pandemic days. Looking forward to meeting lovely readers in the USA and chatting about The Younger Wife! Check out my tour dates and event details here.

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