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Dear Hopeful, So many thoughts. No, actually just one thought. SAME. Not gonna lie, the other day my friends and I were having this exact conversation. We were fantasizing (and I mean legitimately moaning and salivating) at the idea of being retired. “I’m going to be one of those grey nomads in my campervan,” one friend said. “I’m going to spend my days sitting in a camping chair and swimming in gorges.” “I’m going to buy a cottage in Queensland and head up north for the winters,” said another. “The grandchildren can come and visit in the school holidays. I might buy a golf buggy. I don’t know why, but retired people in Queensland have golf buggies.” “Empty nesting is the way forward. I have been dreaming of the day I could toss my baby birds out of the nest and move into a one-bedder since the last time I gave birth.” (This friend’s youngest child has just turned five). “I’m going to take an international holiday every year. Maybe I’ll keep working to keep my brain active, but choose my own hours? Consulting.” “Ah, yes,” we all agreed. “Consulting.” We all agreed that consulting was in our future. We were less clear on who would want to consult with us, or about what. But as a famous woman once said, Details Schmetails. Unfortunately, by the end of the conversation our initial enthusiasm for retirement had been scuppered somewhat by a few sobering facts, such as: We all had between 8-12 years (minimum) before our nests will be empty; Judging by our current health issues, we’ll likely have bunions and frozen shoulders and rosacea and plantar fasciitis interfering with our travel plans. There’s a good chance that, with all the school fees we are currently paying, we likely won’t be able to afford a cottage up north, or even a campervan in 8-12 years time.
So that’s fun. What’s the answer? Come on! Did you really think I had an answer? If I did, you can bet your ass I’d be consulting about it one day a week from my house up north. Although … Now I think about it, there is a possible solution. It wouldn’t be a Sally Hepworth newsletter if I didn’t suggest that you murder someone. In this instance, someone with money or a sizable life insurance policy of which you are the beneficiary would be ideal. The obvious choices are your parents, your husband, your childless aunt. In the event that you are particularly attached to these people, or they don’t have adequate funds to support your retirement (jerks), your only real option is to murder a grey nomad and toss their dead body in a gorge. A croc will come along soon enough and take care of their remains, and by the time it does, you’ll be on the road in your new campervan, living your best life. If you do it soon, you might even be a blonde nomad. And with proper orthotic footwear – anything is possible. Godspeed. Sally x
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