Dear Sally, 

I have a very confusing friendship with a friend who is always the type to have a plan and activity with other groups of friends. Dinners, vacations, concerts, you name it. My extended family is local and the friend’s is not.

So while they have come to big gatherings like Thanksgivings and Christmases with me and my family, they’ve never invited me to anything with the exception of a quick errand or once they are done with their extravagant friends, holidays and events.

This friend has never invited me among other friends – not even to their yearly birthday get-together. I’ve always wondered how they make all of these plans because whenever I’ve tried to suggest something I think would be fun, I always seem to be brushed off and it never (or rarely) is brought up again. One example was when they told me of their plans to take a trip that I had mentioned wanting to do a few months ago. I wanted to gage said friend’s interest and see if they would be interested in going, too. They never responded to me and forgot I ever suggested anything in the first place. That seems to happen a lot.

I don’t want to feel jealous or bothered or letdown anymore. Is that the cost of staying in this friendship? What do I do? 

Dear reader,

I’m going to have to stretch myself a bit here because as someone who is borderline agoraphobic, it is a deadset prerequisite that my friends don’t invite me along to things, particularly not with their OTHER FRIENDS. Oh, heavens no. No, no, no.

Side note: My friend Em – yes, laundry Em – is the only super-sociable person among my closest friends, and due to my collective reluctance to hang out anywhere except her laundry, she has been forced to find a whole new set of friends to leave the house with. We wished her well and now one of my favourite pastimes is watching her have a marvellous time with their other friends while I’m sitting on my couch. 

But this isn’t about me.

So…

I’m going to go out on a limb and say that we don’t have to assume your friend is evil and murder her right off the bat. After all, there are plenty of events that don’t lend themselves well to inviting another person along. Off the top of my head: 

-        Annual trips with the same group of people;

-        Concerts to which one might be given a free ticket;

-        Holidays with people who have kids or husbands or wives who get along so it works for the families;

-        Other people’s 40th birthday extravaganzas in Bali;

-        School events (your own, or your kids’);

-        Weddings, bat mitzvahs, school reunions.

So, we should at least entertain the possibility that this person is unable to invite you to some of the things you hear about her doing. There is also the possibility that she might find it stressful to mix groups of friends. There’s no question that having a new person along to an event where everyone else knows each other can change the dynamic and that isn’t always something people want.

It’s also possible that she’s a selfish cow who is using you for your famous Thanksgiving stuffing and then kicking you to the kerb when her real friends come along?

I don’t know her, so I don't know.

What I do know is that friendships are all about dynamics. The dynamic described above would work fine for me. It’s very similar to the dynamic I have with my Em who has been a friend since childhood. On the other hand, if I had a friend who required a lot of socialising from me – this dynamic would not work. My closest friendships are high on love and loyalty (and memes), and low on maintenance.

As for you, it’s clear that the dynamic isn’t working for you. Which means it’s pretty simple. You need to:

1)     Cut her off, or

2)     accept that she is just a Thanksgiving friend and go hang out with my friend Em, who probably also has a great Thanksgiving stuffing recipe, and will certainly be able to get any pumpkin pie stains off your slacks at the end of the day.

How’s that for an answer? No one even had to die!

Sally x

If you’d like your own question answered, fill out this form.

I’m funny on Instagram.