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Dear Anonymous, I’ll be honest, this question stumped me. In fact, I was going to refer you to my default answer (to murder her) because I just couldn’t see another way out of this situation. A bit of background about me… I am a person who will go to impossible and frankly, unhealthy lengths to avoid someone being displeased with me. For example, a few years back I borrowed a friend’s shoes (with permission) only to ruin them on a night out. A normal person may have replaced the shoes, but I – arguably, not normal – was so terrified and ashamed that I went out and purchased another pair, and then spent hours scuffing them to the exact level of wear that the first pair had displayed when I borrowed them (I did a great job and the friend was none-the-wiser). This, of course, is the behaviour of a deeply disturbed human. Not a human who is likely to have advice for you in the situation. Also not a human who would want you to be displeased by my failure to answer the question. Desperate, I trawled through the IG comments for a solution. There were some solid suggestions there: “The devil made me do it” was my favourite, and “what earrings?” another strong contender. But both felt unhelpful. Finally I decided to turn to “The Game.”
The Game is something I do when I don’t know what to do about something. I ask myself “What would (insert person) do in this situation?” And I trawl through a list of people in my head until I find an appropriate solution.
I decided to try this for this conundrum. What would my mum do? Verdict: Unhelpful. My mum has so much Catholic guilt she could never have accepted the jewellery in the first place. What would Clementine (my 6-year-old daughter) do? Verdict: Also unhelpful. She would have broken or lost the jewellery months ago, or at the very least hidden it in a sock that she couldn’t find. If asked about it, she would look appalled, ignore the question and demand a chocolate biscuit. Which, I suppose, is an option for our reader, but perhaps not the one she was looking for). What would my friend Kena do? (Background. My friend Kena is the most commanding person I know. It’s terrifying when she’s mad at me but amazing when we’re out for lunch and she gets us a great table at a restaurant.) Verdict: Helpful. Kena would be confused as to why this was even an issue. If her MIL asked about the earrings she would stare her mother-in-law down and reply “The earrings you gave me? I’ve had them altered. You’re saying you want them back?” I know. Kena is a rare and magical beast. Now listen. I know you’re not Kena. I understand that not many can look death in the eye and survive the way she can. Frankly, it’s a rare day that I can look my 6-year-old in the eye and survive. But that doesn’t mean we can’t learn from Kena. Perhaps a response like this might work: “Hi Brenda. I hope your hip is healing well. Now … I got your message about the earrings. Are you talking about the earrings you gave me and the girls five months ago? I’ve had them modified into a necklace / ring / keychain. Did I misunderstand? Were they not a gift?” Still dying inside? Okay, I have a possible white lie that could soften it. Start with the above, but after saying you had them altered, add the line “for my daughter’s birthday as I wanted her to have something specially made for her that contained a piece of her grandmother.” Boom. You’re done. And, thanks to the modern technology of telecommunications, you don’t even need to look her in the eye. Sally x
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