Hi Sally, I’ve got a dilemma for you!

I’m doing really well in my job and recently got a promotion (with a raise). I’m pretty career-driven and thought my partner was too, but I came home the other day to the announcement that they quit their job without telling me, because ‘you make enough money for both of us now’. I’m trying to be open-minded and ‘feminist’ about it, but they just seem to be spending all day playing video games and I’m starting to feel confused and resentful.

Thanks for your help xo

Hi lovely,

Idle hands are the devil’s playground.

I say this to my kids 145,000 times a day,  but I just had to Google it to make sure it meant what I thought it did. Thankfully, it does. 

When one is unoccupied or has nothing to do, one is more likely to cause or get into trouble.

Right? And by trouble, I mostly mean, mental health issues. A bored person is an unhappy person.

In light of this, as far as I’m concerned, no matter how much money I earned, I would be unhappy to have a (mentally healthy, able-bodied) partner who was not contributing to the household in some way, shape or form. To be clear – a partner who does domestic duties, cares for children, assists me in my career etc is doing a hard day’s work, and contributing. 

Funnily enough, not long ago, Christian decided to give away his day job. Shortly before that happened, we had a conversation like this: 

Christian: I’m not loving my job and I’m really craving some time with the kids. I’ve done the sums and if your income continues on this trajectory we can afford to have one parent at home full-time and I’d love to do it. We are using a lot of childcare and we’ll never get this time with them back. If the situation changes, I can easily get another job with my qualifications and skillset. What do you think?

I was happy to give this a go, and after we nailed down a few details, we decided to proceed. The key word here is ‘we.’ Christian consulted me before making any changes and left room for the possibility that it may not work long term. 

But it doesn’t sound like your situation happened this way, which is a bummer. It’s got me wondering about your partner’s mental health. And I would say that is the place to start the discussion – with concern. A mentally well, happy person doesn’t play computer games all day, every day. If you have mental health concerns for your partner, I’d get them an appointment with a family doctor as soon as possible to discuss the possibility of depression and anxiety.

If mental heath issues have been ruled out / dealt with – or if your partner is unwilling, it’s time to look at your own needs. In the end, we are all responsible for what we accept. And if your partner quit her / his job without discussing with you first, and is now expecting to live off your income without contributing in other ways, you need to make it clear that it is unacceptable (if that is, in fact, the case).

Personally, I’d go with this: 

“Listen layabout. If you want to sit around and play video games all day, knock yourself out, but do it at your mum and dad’s place, where you’ll be living.”

But, on the odd chance that I’m missing something wonderful / significant about your partner that is not coming across in your email, you could try a softer approach. Something like:

“Hey, we need to chat about you quitting your job. If we are a team, and I think we are, we need to talk about these things, and plan for them, before they happen. The fact that it was thrust upon me has made me feel a little resentful. Can we discuss how this might better work for both of us?"

You might suggest your partner take a finite period of time – say a month or two – to consider what they really want to do for a career, and take the opportunity to find what they love, since money is no longer the sole reason for work. In the meantime, perhaps he / she / they can suggest ways that they can contribute that are not monetary, like taking on more of the household duties, parenting duties, driving you to work or assisting you with your work duties. Or, you might suggest your partner take on a more flexible job for a while - Airtasker, Uber driver, handyman or woman – to keep them busy while they contemplate their next step. Even if you don’t require the money, idle hands are the devil’s playground (and don’t be afraid to use that quote. Say you got it from me.)

Depending on the quality of the relationship, and if this issue is the tip of the iceberg rather than the entire problem, this issue might be the impetus for a we-are-headed-in-a-different-direction kind of conversation. If that is the case, I wish you love. Relationships are hard, and we need to care for others, but we are responsible for what we accept, and this behaviour doesn’t sound acceptable to me.

Love

Sally xxx

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