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Honestly, this message made me feel a little panicked. Check in? Are we supposed to check in on people? I mean … I used to check in on my great Aunty Gwen before she died. And I check in on my mum who has Parkinson’s (probably not as often as I should). But … do you mean healthy, able-bodied not-going- through-a-personal-or-emotional-crisis-adults? Dear God tell me this is not a thing. In case it is not clear … i do not “check-in” on people. And, frankly, I’d prefer it if no one checked in on me. But then I’m a perimenopausal forty-two year old working mother of three with ADHD, who spends most of my time wanting everyone to leave me alone so I can scream into my pillow, so it’s possible I don’t speak for the majority. Thankfully, most of my friends and family are in the same boat (re: pillow-screaming), so we check in by sending each other memes via our group chat and replying with laughing-face and head exploding emojis and GIFs. The timing of these check ins might be hourly, or every 6 months. There’s no rhyme or reason to it, and no expectations attached. Occasionally when the stars align, we get together in person and laugh until we vomit and then don’t talk again for another year. And in this season of our life, it’s the best we’re going to get. For me, In-person “check-ins” are reserved for people who need physical or emotional help, have just had a baby, got divorced or lost a loved one. But I’m very much looking forward to lots of lovely check ins when I’m retired and my kids have flown the coop. Then, life will be one long check in. I can hardly wait. But, as I re-read your message, I wonder if your gripe is less about the check in and more about the fact that you don’t feel your efforts with people are reciprocated. I get you. I’ve been there. The sad truth is, relationships are like group assignments. Not everyone contributes equally. It’s not fair, but it’s the way it is. My friend Emily, for example, contributes a lot more than the rest of my friends. She organises our catch ups, collects the money, coordinates the schedules. It’s a beastly job, for which we are extremely ungrateful. So it was no surprise when, a couple of years ago, after we gave her hell for booking a terrible restaurant for Christmas lunch (sorry Em, but it was a shocker) she RESIGNED from being our organiser. “Organise yourselves!” she told us, huffing. (Em does a good Huff). Very quickly we learned …kidding we didn’t learn anything. We’re still the ungrateful wenches we once were but Em eventually resumed being our life coordinator when she realised that she still wanted to catch up with us, despite our wenchly ways, and no one else possessed the life-skills to make it happen. The point is, you have agency. If people aren’t reciprocating your check ins - decide. Will you keep doing it because the friends and family are worth it, even if they don’t reciprocate? Or will you stop checking in with these folks, and go find some people who will? Or, if you don’t like either of those options, check in with my friend Emily - she could really use a friend who reciprocates. Sally x
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