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Hi Desperate, The good news is that there is an easy answer to your dilemma. Stop doing all the domestic duties effective immediately. Yes. Just like that. Stop cleaning, stop buying milk. Most importantly, stop doing anything that your partner benefits from but you don’t. Let me get your protests out of the way: “But he won’t pick up the slack!” “I don’t want to live in a pigsty.” “But what if I want milk / clean clothes / food and there is nothing there?” “But what if my son doesn’t have the stuff he needs for daycare / breakfast / Christmas?”
Okay fine. Keep doing everything yourself. It’s your choice. Here is the fun part - you have a choice. In fact, you’ve already made a choice, even though you don’t realise it. At some point you chose to do the lion’s share of the domestic duties. Now, it’s time to make another choice. You can continue to do everything yourself and have a clean house, with milk in the fridge. Or, you can be prepared to stop doing everything and accept that your life will probably look a little bit different. Look. Every woman in the world has a fantasy that they can hand over half their responsibilities to their partner, and the household will continue running exactly as it was. There is a reason this is called a fantasy. The more likely scenario is that, if you hand over some responsibilities, your standard of living will drop a bit. Why? Because men are, in general, lazy and useless. Does that mean we shouldn’t hand back some responsibilities that are rightfully his? Hells, no. So, you’ve decided to hand over some responsibilities - what now? My suggestion would be to start by having a conversation with your partner about how to divvy about the domestic duties. This split will look different for everyone, but if you both work a similar amount of hours, I would suggest the split of duties be similar. I also suggest writing it down, lest there be any debate down the track. In the Hepworth house, the split of duties has changed over the years. Currently Christian is the stay-at-home parent so he does the lion’s share of the domestic duties. Of course, there is crossover and we help each other out, but ultimately we are each responsible for the following: Christian – food shopping, cooking, laundry (putting it on and hanging it out) packing lunchboxes, kids’ activities (not just driving them – but booking them in, paying for them, receiving the newsletters etc), buying gifts for other kids’ birthday parties and taking the kids to these parties, organising our own kids’ birthday parties and buying the gifts, overseeing older kids’ homework, driving our kids to and from school / and ensuring they have what’s required, garden and house maintenance, managing household finances. Sally – tidying and putting away, sorting out kids’ toys and clothes periodically for size and to donate, laundry (folding and putting it away), Clementine’s reader, kids’ medical appointments, kids haircuts and clothes shopping, booking holidays, Christmas present shopping. Our kids know who is responsible for what so they know who to yell at when they are not booked in for gymnastics camp/ didn’t have a present for Harper’s party, had a weetbix in their lunchbox but no other food. Do we both nail our responsibilities? No, no we don’t. We call it “building resilient kids”. And “saving the environment” (when the laundry isn’t done). And “going vegan” (when we don’t have milk). And we buried the cleaning debate by getting a cleaner. Tips and tricks There is a trick to choosing what you are responsible for. For example, if you do the cooking, do the grocery shopping and lunchboxes too – then you’re not reliant on him for you to do your part. I also suggest being responsible for things that are important to you (I love a tidy house so that went on my list). I also recommend dropping the items that are important to him (ie, if he wants an ironed shirt, a hot meal in the morning, the children to be on top of their homework – they all go on his list.) What to do when the balls start dropping (and they will) Here is the key – if your partner doesn’t do something on his list, don’t get huffy and under no circumstances do his job for him. Let the house get messy. When your son wants milk in the morning and there is none in the fridge say pleasantly “Hey George, there’s no milk and Stevie wants cornflakes. Can you run out and get it? Ta.” If he doesn’t, George will need to serve Stevie an alternative breakfast. Stevie will not die if there is no milk. You go hop in the shower and let George sort it out. Most likely your partner will start to notice that the house is messy and start cleaning it. And if he likes milk, he might start buying it. That, or he’ll change his mind about a cleaner and you’ll all go dairy free because getting milk is beyond him (you get your latte at the office). Either way, he’ll face the consequences of not pulling his weight (which he isn’t right now, because you are doing it all). Reaping the benefits As for you, now that you’re not doing all the domestic duties, you may be looking down the barrel of a slightly more chaotic life. On the upside, think of all the hours you’ll have back in your life that you used to spend on doing everything for everyone! Use those hours on yourself - go to the gym, read a book, catch up with a friend. I know I’d much rather do these things than run myself ragged doing domestic duties that I’m not appreciated for. What would you rather do? Sally xxx
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