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Given the fact that I just finished watching Bad Sisters, the obvious solution is to murder him. Do you happen to have any sisters who could help you? If not, maybe I can help. Where does he live? If murder isn’t what you were thinking… it’s tricky. If your mum has been with The Dick for fifteen years, there is a reason. It could be an insecurity within her, a fear of being alone, maybe even a genuine connection with him that you can’t see (maybe not, but as I don’t know the situation it feels fair to consider. I have a friend who has a dick husband but he makes her really happy.) So, as far as I can see, you really only have three options. Option 1: murder. PROS: The Dick is Dead CONS: jail, etc Option 2: You tell your mum how you feel, and offer an ultimatum - “The Dick or me”. PROS You get to make it clear how much you loathe The Dick, using all the best expletives. You could even do it to his face. She might make the right choice and leave him. She might even offer her own dramatic monologue where she tells him she’s had enough of his dickery and she’s leaving to start a new life and open an art school by the seaside (or something). Wouldn’t that be great? You could walk out of there arm in arm while ‘Sisters are Doing it for Themselves’ plays on high volume in your heads.
CONS She probably won’t do the above. Especially the bit about the art school and the seaside. I think I got that from a romance novel I read recently. I’ve never liked ultimatums. Probably because, in Grade 3, I told my best friend Malvina that it was me or Frannie (Frannie was her other best friend). I lost. If this is a coercive control situation, The Dick will use this as an opportunity to isolate her, making you the villain for asking her to choose. If you are successful in making her leave The Dick, there is a high likelihood that she will find herself another Dick. Unless of course she addresses the issues that brought this dickery into her life. If you don’t see counselling in her future, would it be a case of better the dick you know?
Option 3: Let your mum make her own choices (even if it means she chooses The Dick). And you make yours. PROS You can still have a relationship with your mum (presuming this is something you want). Catch up with her separately, when The Dick isn’t there. If it's impossible to see her without him, spend less time with her too. She may choose to be with The Dick, but that doesn’t mean you have to. You don’t have to tolerate anything from him. If he is rude to you or her in front of you, point it out. Tell him his comment or behaviour was rude. Leave the premises. You’re allowed to do that. You should do that. Role model it for your mum. Maybe it will open her eyes? The Dick will not be able to demonise you and isolate your mum, and it will emphasise the fact that he is The Dick, not you. I know this is hard, but your mum is an adult. If you truly detach from this, and accept it is your mother’s issue not yours, you will find some relief.
CONS She will likely stay with The Dick for the time being. It might mean having to bite your tongue now and again - at Christmas or a birthday - for your mother’s sake. It will be hard watching your mum make choices you’d never choose for her. But it will also be a good exercise of ’stay in your own lane’ ‘live and let live’ and all that shit my therapist loves. (I love my therapist).
I sincerely hope you go with Option 1, the murder. I’ll DM you my number just in case and wash my balaclava. Sally xo
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