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Dear Anon, I applaud your honesty, particularly because I know you are not alone in having this difficulty. And yet, as I don’t have the manpower to murder every person and dog in the world who is having a better time of it than you, I’ll admit, I'm at a bit of a loss. A quick google search of “how to get off the comparison train" told me that the common wisdom on the matter is to practise gratitude, remind yourself that money doesn’t buy happiness, and stop comparing your insides to other people’s outsides. But as we all know this stuff is bullshit, I’ve tried to dig a little deeper. DISCLAIMER: Am I a therapist? I am not. Most days I can barely get my dog to listen to me. But here’s my best shot at providing wisdom... I believe that people either have an abundance mentality or a scarcity mentality and it comes from your upbringing. If you grew up with an abundance mentality, you will believe there is enough for everyone. Enough money, enough friends, enough success, enough pretty dogs to go around. This attitude allows you to feel happy for others when they succeed because it has no bearing on you. (*Important*: having an abundance mentality has nothing to do with how much money you have. Have you ever noticed that sometimes the wealthiest people are the meanest? And the poorest, the most generous? Abundance is in the mind, not the wallet.) However, if you grew up with a scarcity mentality, you believe there is a finite amount of things and there’s a good chance you won’t get your share. If you have this attitude of course you don’t feel happy when someone else does well. Their success is a threat to yours. The good news is, if you have the scarcity mentality, it’s not because you are a miserly bitter and twisted old misery-guts, it’s because you were raised by one! How good is that? I love it when something isn’t my fault. The bad news, you still need to sort out your attitude or it will make you miserable. And the way to sort it out is by cultivating an abundance mentality. Because the fact is, there is enough room for us all. But how do I cultivate an abundance attitude? I hear you cry. Well, it’s actually rather simple… Be my Aunty Rose. Hear me out. Aunty Rose is the most enthusiastic person I know. When anyone she knows does something special (or frankly, not that special) she celebrates them with her entire soul. For example, she comes to every one of my book events - with her entire book club - and sits in the front row. Sometimes she wolf-whistles. She wears her pride on her face (and oftentimes, on her T-shirt). Aunty Rose doesn’t stay in her own lane, she’s too busy dancing in everyone else’s lane - wearing pom poms. Her attention is always focused outward, on all the wonderful things that are happening in her orbit. Good things happen to Rose too, because of course they do. What kind of universe wouldn’t deliver good things to Aunty Rose? When they do, Rose celebrates them too. In a nutshell, celebrate other people’s successes as if they are your own. I don’t mean fake it til you make it, I mean feel it. Feel their success as if it were your own. Imagine how great it must be for them, then walk around feeling happy about it for the rest of the day. Smile as you tell other people about it. Before you know it, you’ll be feeling great. There’s only one exception. If someone is an arsehole and they do well, you are allowed to be enraged. In fact, I insist on it. We must all be collectively enraged. I enjoy this kind of rage immensely. It makes me feel superior, which is something I rarely feel. Talk about upsides. Sally x
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