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Dear Reader, What a dilemma! Money. Family. Gaslighting. Sounds like a novel. When I posted your question on social media, the responses were black and white. Take the money and run! Don’t take the money - it will come with strings attached! I have to say, I envy their certainty, because to me this feels rather grey. On one hand - If your husband is estranged from his parents, and believes they have gaslit and abused him, I respect the fact that he won’t take their money. It’s very Thomas Moore of him. I know many good people who would shove their principals to the side when it came to a fat cheque. On the flipside, I see how this could be incredibly difficult to hold your tongue if you saw the opportunities this money would afford your family. As I continued scrolling through the comments though, I saw a lot of them - such as those saying you could spend the money on your children, or that you’d save the inheritance tax (btw, we don’t have that in Australia) by taking it - were missing the points: that it’s your husband’s decision to make. I think one of the reasons this can feel muddy is because in SO MANY INSTANCES the female partner takes on the responsibility of managing the relationship with her in-laws. In the case of most of my friends, she’s the one who buys the birthday presents and cards, who talks on the phone to them for hours, who arranges the holiday plans. In light of this, it adds up that she might feel more entitled to have a say when it comes to financial discussions. But is she? In my case, as much as I love my in-laws (in fact, I have dedicated a book to them I have never taken on responsibility for Christian's relationship with them. Equally he does not take on responsibility for my relationship with my family. One of many upsides of this is that, when financial discussions have taken place between us and our parents, it makes sense to us that it’s between us and our parents. So, back to you - my advice: Full disclosure: as someone with an extreme aversion to being controlled/indebted to someone because of money, I’ve fantasised about turning down money for most of my life, so I may not be impartial. But here goes… Encourage your husband to get some therapy so he can unpack it with an impartial person. When he is clear on what feels right, I would strive to support his decision whatever it is (even if it means having some therapy myself). I don’t want to downplay the difficulty of this. The fact that your husband wants to do this must mean his feelings are pretty strong. Standing by him on this, when the cost to you is so high, could be a building block that the rest of your marriage stands on for the rest of your lives. That’s worth something too. Perhaps more than the money, even? Oh, and if you really can’t get on board with my advice (no judgement), mention the golf membership he could afford if he just took the freaking money (and maybe leave brochures lying around the house). Sally x
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