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Dear reader, I was about to go ahead and recommend that you murder the racist transphobe (as a crime writer, murder is always my go-to solution), but then I re-read your letter and realised that you didn’t actually ask me whether you should end the friendship (or, more to the point, end the friend), you simply asked whether or not you should communicate your reasons for doing so. First things first. I’m loathe to make this about myself, but I have to say, I’m feeling a little redundant to discover that you came to the decision to end the friendship without consulting Dear Sally first. I mean, what am I even doing here if not to direct the life decisions of strangers who write to me about their personal situations? Huh? Don’t answer that. But … fine. Since you went to the trouble to write, I suppose I can answer this trivial, far less juicy question (a girl’s got to do something to keep busy.) Q. Should you ghost, or discuss? A. Discuss. 100% discuss. (I know. It’s not like me to be so definitive is it? It’s something I’m trying out for fun because I’m a Gemini and we like to try on different personalities occasionally). Why should you discuss? I’m glad you asked. Here are some reasons I prepared earlier, in no particular order. 1) Because as long as we have vocal chords, we should use them to speak out against prejudice. Also to sing. Especially Taylor Swift. (My favourite song is 22) 2) Because your friend is going to spout her views. If the prejudice people are the only ones speaking up, we’re on a one-way route to a pretty horrible world. 3) Because while your friend is within her rights to be racist and transphobic (as long as she isn’t breaking the law), there are consequences to holding such beliefs. One consequence, evidently, is the demise of her relationship with you. But if you don’t give that person the opportunity to understand this is a consequence of her bigoted beliefs, you’re also denying them the opportunity to make a different choice, unlikely as that may be. 4) Because then you can ask for your favourite jeans and scarf back, whereas if you planned to ghost her, that would make her suss. A final note. Many of you remember my beloved Great Aunty Gwen (may she rest in peace). Believe it or not (I’m sure you do believe it) she used to make the occasional questionable comment about a few choice minority groups while she was alive (generally the ones with black or brown skin). Many people I know accept these kinds of comments from the elderly people in their lives on the rationale that they are from a different generation and as such, don’t know any better or are unlikely to change. But hand on heart, I never missed an opportunity to challenge Gwen on her racist beliefs, and always called her out for being what she was - racist. Did I expect her to change her opinions? No. Was I prepared to let go of my commitment to call out racism every time I saw it? Also no. A few months before Gwen died, I was visiting her at her nursing home where the vast majority of staff had black or brown skin. As I arrived, Gwen was showering with the assistance of one of these staff members so I waited outside. Afterward, when I joined her in her room, Gwen was a little teary. She told me how respectful and tender this carer had been. Then she looked at me and said: “I shouldn’t have said those things about black people, Sal.” “Told you so,” I said. (Look. I may be great at speaking out against racism, but when it comes to being right, I can be petty) Will your friend have a similar realisation if you explain to her why you’re ending the friendship? Probably not. But one day, when she has been given a sponge bath by a black trans nurse and is feeling remorseful, you’ll be able to say “I told you so.” And that’ll feel really really good. Sally x
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